The REAL Village
by Jessekaboom
Summary: This is my deranged little version of the Village. Mr. Walker is narcileptic, Lucius has ADD, and much, much more! Rated T for spontaneous references to higher rated movies. Bwahaha!
1. Opening

The Village

**DISCLAIMER: The Village and all related titles, characters, and ideas are property of M. Night Shyamalan. Though I wish it were mine, it is based totally off of his work. All other characters mentioned otherwise in this chapter are property of their respective owners. This disclaimer goes for all the chapters in this story. Also, I'm terribly sorry if while you are reading this you are deeply hurt by something I say about you. In other words, be a nice director and don't sue me. Thank you for your time. **

Author's Note: I couldn't find a script or screenplay for this, so I'm making vague references to what I can remember from the movie. If it is all flip-flopped around, just imagine the whole movie is like that last half hour or so when it is flipping between when Ivy doesn't and does know. Typical M. Night Shyamalan, in my odd mind. (jumps off cliff)

Ch1: Opening

A funeral scene is depicted. There is a man sobbing uncontrollably over a coffin, and a crowd gathered around it. A preacher is talking. Annoyingly fast violin music plays. The man is muttering in low tones about "how much we'll miss you", "you still owe me money, you jerk", you know. Average funeral stuff. In his gasping sobs, the man falls into the grave, making a loud thunk, averting everyone's attention from the sermon. They look at the disgruntled man climbing out of the grave, muttering curses under his breath. He then pulls out his wand and casts Expecto Patronum, making a large shimmering armadillo fly out of the tip of his wand and kill the nearest person.

M. Night Shyamalan: Wrong movie, idiot!

Donald Trump: You're fired!

M. Night Shyamalan: How did you get here?

Donald Trump: I dunno.

M. Night Shyamalan: Are you actually here at all?

Donald Trump: Um... uh... (disappears in a puff of logic)

M. Night Shyamalan: Anyway, erm... yeah keep going. No more Harry Potter crud. (voice lowers) Who in the bloody heck's patronus is an armadillo? What in the...

The man then gets up out of the hole, and smoothes his hair down. The sermon continues.

Preacher Man Bob: The radio jumped! It jumped; into the bathtub with Brother Wade...

The scene fades as Shyamalan smacks his forehead.

There is a mass of people crowded around three tables, one longer than the other two. Mr. Walker stands up to give the Sunday prayer.

Mr. Walker: We came here to start a life anew. You may wonder why in the ruddy heck we settled here in the first place, but anyways. We are thankful.

He falls asleep. His wife elbows him in the solar plexus, and he wakes up.

Mr. Walker: For the time that has been given us.

An ominous sound comes from the forest, sounding like a dying cow with bronchitis that is drowning in a pool of chocolate syrup. Don't ask me how I know what that sounds like.

Noah: They're coming... They're coming!

Mrs. Clack shoots a dart at him with her blowgun and he falls unconscious.

After the dinner scene, there are two women on their front porch sweeping. One of them wails her broom around wildly, attempting to spin around. She hit's Woman #2 in the face, sending her flying five feet and knocking her unconscious.

M. Night Syamalan: Bloody heck...

Woman #1: Oh I'm so sorry!

Apparently Woman #1 didn't realize that #2 was unconscious. She then spots a small red flower and screws up her face, making a freakish gasping noise that seemed as if she was choking on something. She then picks the flower and buries it, apparently not realizing that by burying a flower it will grow back.

M. Night Shyamalan: Idiot...

Scene fades.


	2. Kitty's Confession

Ch2: Kitty's Confession

Mr. Walker and Kitty Walker are walking back from the valley to their house. When they are behind the house, Kitty speaks up.

Kitty: Father?

Mr. Walker: Yes, Kitty?

Kitty: I am in love! I wish to marry!

Mr. Walker: WHAT?

Kitty: Can I have your blessing?

At this point, Mr. Walker's sleep deprivation kicked in.

Mr. Walker: (snores)

Kitty elbows him roughly in the side, sending him into the back door of the nearest house. It opens, and there is an old couple playing backgammon with lemmings. They seemed to be having much trouble doing this, as the lemmings kept wanting to jump off of the table. The couple dumped a bucket of water on Mr. Walker to wake him up. Another wave of water clashes down on him from off screen.

Mr. Walker: Blast it, I'm already awake!

Will Turner: That was for the smell.

M. Night Shyamalan: Get off the set, pretty boy!

Will Turner: Sorry. (He swings away on a rope as a loud burst of POTC music plays.)

Kitty: May I have your blessing?

Mr. Walker: Who is the young lad?

Kitty: Joaquin Phoenix! I mean... um...

M. Night Shyamalan: Lucius Hunt!

Kitty: Lucius Hu- wait a minute. What the heck kind of name is Lucius?

M. Night Shyamalan: Shut up!

Kitty: Okay! Fine... Well, yes daddy. It's Lucius Hunt.

Once again, Mr. Walker falls asleep. Kitty punches him.

Mr. Walker: Ooh! How! When! Where! Why! Oh. It's just you. Sorry. What were we talking about?

Kitty: LUCIUS HUNT! DO I HAVE YOUR BLESSING!

Mr. Walker: Yeah okay sure fine why not.

Kitty: Thank you daddy.

The scene fades to see Lucius Hunt sharpening a knife on a whetstone. Enter Kitty.

Kitty: I know you don't know who the heck I am, but I've been stalking you from afar.

Lucius: (stares at Kitty)

Kitty: We should randomly repeat words at the top of our lungs and be glad! Thank you! Thank you! THANK YOU!

Lucius: (has a weird expression on his face that looked like something between nausea and embarrassment.)

Kitty: Thank you...?

Scene changes to show Kitty sobbing uncontrollably into a pillow being sung the Matrix lobby theme by some blind chick whose name will not be revealed until I can remember what it is.


	3. Idiots, Dead Things, and Midgets

Ch3: Idiots, Dead Things, and Midgets

Three young men are crowded behind a rock, while another is standing with his back ate the edge of the forest with his pants pulled down and his heart boxers showing..

Shirt Guy: Stop jostling so! You'll ruin my shirt.

Guy 2 and Guy 3: Sorry, G.

M. Night Shyamalan: Time period! Jeese, idiots...

Guy 2 and Guy 3: Sorry, man.

M. Night Shyamalan: It's fine, it's fine... blathering idiots...

Guy 2 and Guy 3: Sorry 'bout your shirt.

Shirt Guy: Thank you kindly. Hey Boxers Guy! How you doing?

Boxers Guy: (whimpers)

Twigs and dry leaves: Snap Crackle Pop.

Boxers Guy: (whimpering gasps) They made a sound when I made a sound! _The Village Enquirer_ says that's the first sign of an attack!

Shirt Guy: 'Tis a wives tale. Now keep it up!

A long hand can be seen emerging from the darkness. It has long, spindly claws, and it is making an unkind hand signal involving the middle finger at Boxers Guy.

Boxers Guy: AAAAHHHH! It's those-we-don't-talk-about-very-much-because-their-actual-names-are-really-hard-to-pronounce! (pulls up his pants and runs for his bloody life along with Guys 1&2 and Shirt Guy)

The scene changes to show about a dozen midgets, I mean children, gathered around in a circle, muttering in low voices. Mr. Walker walkers up. Narrator chuckles because he made a funny.

Mr. Walker: What manner of spectacle has gathered your attention so splendidly? I ought to carry it in my pocket to help me teach! (Mr. Walker parts the children with some unearthly power. As he is walking forward, he falls asleep.)

Half-Pint 1: Mr. Walker? (nudges him politely)

Mr. Walker. Ahem! Oh, right. (gasps)

A dead calf is lying in front of the schoolhouse. It is stripped of its fur, its neck twisted back, and has bad attempts at graffiti-writing on its open flesh.

Mr. Walker: Holy moly batman!

Half-Pint 3: What the?

M. Night. Shyamalan: (smacks forehead)

The scene changes to show a drab-looking classroom. You can see the back of Mr. Walker's head, and all twelve half-pints gathered around in their desks. They all appear to be deep in thought.

Mr. Walker: So how did this happen? Who has done this heinous act?

Half-Pint 7: What does heinous mean?

Mr. Walker: That you're a moron.

Half-Pint 7: Come again?

Mr. Walker: Nothing.

Half-Pint 7: Oh. Okay.

Mr. Walker: Any ideas?

Half-Pint 12: It was those-we-don't-talk-about-very-much-because-their-actual-names-are-really-hard-to-pronounce.

Mr. Walker: There it is. What makes you think such a thing? (falls asleep)

The nearest half-pint nudges him politely.

Mr. Walker: Oh, sorry, kids.

Half-Pint 11: They are carnivores.

Half-Pint 6: They have long claws.

Half-Pint 4: They're really clumsy with spray paint.

Mr. Walker: Now, childrens. I sincerely doubt that those-we-don't-talk-about-very-much-because-their-actual-names-are-really-hard-to-pronounce did this. We do not go into their forest. They do not come into our valley. It is a... (falls asleep)

The nearest half-pint nudges him. Again.

Mr. Walker: Treaty.

Professor Snape: Open your books to page three-hundred and ninety-four.

Mr. Walker: Will you get out of here?


	4. A Nice Footrace

Ch4: A Nice Footrace

The scene opens to see a crazy guy previously named as Noah beating the crap out of two guys with a metal pole. The crowd doesn't seem too perturbed; they are standing around the brawl cheering the three of them on. One of them even went so far as to open up a betting table about five feet away. There is a small line that is betting on Noah or Guys 2 or 3, and one crazy guy sitting at the corner of the stalls looking up at the sky.

Woman 1: What'cha looking for?

Sky Guy: Flying saucers.

Woman 1: Flying Saucers?

Sky Guy: Green ones!

Woman 1: Okay. Isn't it about time you be getting home sir?

Sky Guy: I'm trying to baby, I'm trying to...

Douglas Adams: Stop stealing my material!

Sky Guy: I have a question.

Douglas Adams: Yes?

Sky Guy: Why do my hands smell like cabbage...?

The scene suddenly reverts back to Noah, Guy 2 and Guy 3 beating the crap out of each other. The blind chick mentioned earlier, whose name I have now remembered, walks up.

Ivy: Stop your fussing right this moment.

Noah looks up and swishes his hair out of his face. Guy 2 and Guy 3 break out into a chorus of "O Canada" and are thus instantly sucked into a plothole.

Noah: (distantly) Erm... Yes?

The scene shows Noah and Ivy standing a doorway of a cottage called the Quiet Room.

Ivy: The elders have ordered me to put you into the quiet room.

Noah: (smacks forehead with two fingers for some reason. Silly Noah.) No hitting... right... no hitting...

Ivy: How about we strike a deal. If you promise to never hit anyone again, I will not put you in the quiet room. No hitting!

Noah: No hitting!

Ivy: No hitting!

Noah: No hitting!

Ivy: No hitting!

Zaphod Beeblebrox: No hitting!

Gabriel Van Helsing: No hitting!

Achilles: No hitting!

Lord Voldemort: No hitting!

Elektra: No hitting!

Yoda: Hitting no!

Detective Spooner: No hitting!

The Pianist: No hitting!

Noah: Hey wait! You're me!

The Pianist: Crap... (disappears in a puff of logic)

Ivy: What say to a nice footrace?

Noah: Yes!

Ivy: Across the valley to the resting rock?

Noah: And no cheating.  
Ivy: (gasps) What a deeply scandalous thing to say. Is that a winged monkey?

Ivy runs off for resting rock while Noah is staring dumbly in the other direction for a winged monkey. He then realizes that he has been tricked and runs after Ivy. They both reach resting rock at about the same time. Lucius was sitting there with a small morsel of sponge cake in saran wrap. He was furiously trying to get the saran wrap off, so much of it was totally demolished.

Lucius: Wanna piece?

Noah then ran away wildly waving his arms in the air. He returned shortly with a small hedgehog. He then tapped Ivy on the shoulder and promptly chucked the hedgehog into Ivy's face, sending needles into her face and causing much blood to splurt everywhere.

M. Night Shyamalan: CUT!

The scene restarts. Noah skulked away calmly and soberly. He returned shortly with a small frog. He then tapped Ivy on the shoulder. Her face was covered in small white band-aids, and she had a small look of freakish terror on her face when she looked at him.

Ivy: Yes, Noah?

Noah: I've got a present!

Ivy: (holding out her hands) Yes, Noah?

Noah dropped the frog into her hands. She let out a little yelp, and dropped it.

Frog: Freedom!

Noah then produced a small bundle of red berries from his pocket and placed them into Ivy's hands.

Ivy: Ooh. Berries. Thank you, Noah.

Lucius: Be cautious, you are holding the bad color.

Ivy: WTF OMG Nuuuuu! The bad color must not be seen!

Lucius: You don't need to worry about that, you're blind.

Ivy: What? That was a very mean thing to say, coming from a person with ADD.

Lucius: I do NOT have a problem! Just because I sometimes- (walks away)

Ivy: Where did you get these?

Noah simply pointed wildly over his shoulder and walked away. He accidentally stepped on a squirrel. Poor squirrel. Scene fades.


	5. The Council

Ch5: The Council

Mr. Walker: We have called this council to discuss the dead livestock found in front of the schoolhouse last Tuesday. The subject had its head twisted back, most of its fur- (falls asleep)

Mrs. Clack: (brandishing her blowgun) Mr. Walker! Wake up, Mr. Walker!

Mr. Walker: Removed, and a poor attempt of graffiti. Does anyone know what might have happed?

Ms. Hunt: I think it was a coyote.

Mrs. Clack: A coyote! What the heck kind of exciting plot is that?

Ms. Hunt: Well, what was your idea?

Mrs. Clack: Umm... Well... (shrinks back into her chair)

Ms. Hunt: That's right. Now, I think that we should –

The doors to the council office swing open and Lucius enters centerstage. I mean- the middle of the room. He takes out a small piece of paper and begins to read from it.

Lucius: My mother does not know why I am here today, and has not consulted me on my decision. This morning, at resting rock, Noah Percy handed Ivy Walker berries of the bad color. I have not seen these berries before, I suspect that he had, in his state of mind, gone into the woods. The creatures can sense emotion. Since they saw Noah was pure of heart, they let him pass. I entreat the council they let me-

Lucius screws up his face, as if he had forgotten all reason as to why he was here. He walked away, and burst purposefully through the doors about five minutes later.

Lucius: I entreat the council let me cross over the boundary line and travel through Covington Wood. (council gasps) I wish to retreive medicines for Noah Percy so he can sit still and learn. Those-we-don't-talk-about-very-much-because-their-actual-names-are-really-hard-to-pronounce, I beleive, will let me pass, seeing I am pure of intention. The End. (bows)

Mrs. Percy: Why did you say "The End"?

Mrs. Clack: Shuddup... (shoots darts into Mrs. Percy's neck with her blowgun)

Lucius's ADD kicks in and he walks away blindly. Scene fades.


	6. The Little Visit

Ch6: The Little Visit

The scene opens to show a large group of people in yellow robes whitewashing some graffiti off of the large assortment of posts that provide the border between Covington Wood and the village. One person accidentally trips and falls into his bucket. Poor little moron. Whitewash splashes everywhere, getting on everyone around.

Wicked Witch of the West: I'm melting! I'm mmeeelltiinng!

Whitewasher: Suck it up, wuss.

Lucius takes this distraction as a chance to play a prank on his friends. But then his ADD kicks in and he walks blindly into the woods. Looking around, he sees (cue annoyingly fast violin music) Berries of the Bad Color!

Lucius: WTF OMG Nuuu! picks the berries for some reason

Twigs and Dry Leaves: Snap crackle pop.

Lucius takes out his light saber and waves it around warningly, like Oobie DuBanubie. His ADD once again takes effect and he walks out of the woods. He forgot to turn off his light saber though. It lands on the ground and starts boring a hole into the Earth's crust. Little did Lucius know that it was to be this hole that Dr. Evil would use to drive his warhead into the Earth's core. Austin Powers would've had a lot less trouble if he'd just turned off his light saber. Oh well. Back to the story.

The scene changes to the evening. The usual stuff is happening. Idiots with their pants pulled down at the forest, kids playing in the field, armed robbery, etc. The scene now changes to show some tall dude standing in a foreboding tower at the edge of the forest. He is shivering, and muttering things to himself.

Tower Guy: (mumbling) The capital of Washington is Olympia. The capital of Oregon is Salem. The capital of California is Sacramento. The capital of Idaho is...

The hatch that leads up to the tower rattles. Tower guy stares at it, attempting to telepathetically communicate with it. It then politely knocks to the rhythm of Shave and a Haircut Two Bits. Tower guy stares at it with a pained expression of disgust and queasiness. He opens up the hatch slowly and looks down. Three things happened at that precise moment. Tower Guy saw a creature in a red cloak flipping him off, the orchestra plays a freakishly loud explosion of music, and M. Night Shyamalan had a little accident.

Tower Guy falls backward at approximately 42.7 mph and smacks into the bell. The bell rings. The scene changes to show everyone running for their bloody life.

PAUSE!

Note from the author: I am terribly sorry for any Brits who are reading this, because "bloody" might be considered a swear word. But I don't consider British cuss words as actual cuss words, so I'll carry on. By the way... BUGGER! Hahaha!

UNPAUSE!

We see the Walker family except for Mr. Walker (foreboding!) all huddling around a little hatch to the basement of their house, where the gremlins dwell. Not really. It's just a basement. Sorry. So anyway, they're all cramming themselves into this little hole. Ivy has issues, however. She is standing on the porch, holding her hand out with the door ajar.

Scene changes to show Lucius helping senior citizens get into their houses. No elders though. PLOTHOLE! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! TAKE THAT M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN!

At this point, the writer had a heart attack and died. The rest of the chapter will be finished by Captain Jack Sparrow.

Jack: But what if the man who did the waking bought a drink for the man who did the sleeping while the man who did the sleeping listens to a proposition by the man who did the waking?

M. Night Shyamalan:(brain fizzles) Please leave...

Jack: Nice hat. (runs away wildly waving his arms in that manner that only a crazy actor whose last name has two P's in it could do.)

Lucius: Bleargh! (hides on the side of the house while Michael Jackson does a live performance.)

Michael Jackson: Thriller!

M. Night Shyamalan: DIE! (shoots Michael Jackson)

The cast looks blankly at him.

M. Night Shyamalan: Well? Someone had to do it!

General murmurs of agreement. Now one of those-we-don't-talk-about-much-because-their-actual-names-are-really-hard-to-pronounce is against the house It has really long beige-ish claws, is wearing a red cloak, and has these freaky little quill thingies sticking of it's back. What is it, a freakin' porcupine?

Scene changes to show Kitty yelling at Ivy.

Kitty: IVY! CLOSE THE (Censored) DOOR!

Ivy holds her hands out at the door while one of those-we-don't-talk-about-much-because-their-actual-names-are-really-hard-to-pronounce runs up annoyingly slowly to the porch. The stupid camera angle doesn't show anything. But it's there. Oh yes. It's there. You just can't see it. Stupid. (suspenseful music)

Lucius runs up at Ivy and grabs her hand as the scene goes into bullettime.

Agent Smith: (in usual drawn out and incorrectly emphasized manner) Hello Mr. Anderson.

Viggo: What up, Elrond?

Agent Smith: I'm not Elrond. I am Agent Smith. In fact I hate Elrond. I did not want to be Elrond. His hair is too wispy and wraithlike.

Viggo: Whateva.

Agent Smith posesses Viggo as the ear killing shriek of twelve thousand fangirls screaming.

Hidalgogurl188: AAAAHHH!

xXxViggoxXxLuvrxXx: NOOO!

Aragorness: WHY?

Gimli: Finally.

All the fangirls stare at Gimli and then annihilate him by that weird power that cheerleaders possess. Poor Gimli.

M. Night Shyamalan: Let's get back to the story ppl!

Just to let you know, he was testing out his chat lingo skills. (scoffs) Moron.

Lucius runs up and grabs Ivy's hand and pulls her inside while melodramatically shutting the door. He then runs into the crazy little crawl space. Ethereal-ish music plays. Scene fades.


	7. Weddings, Whispers, and Warnings

Ch7: Weddings, Whispers, and Warnings

Scene shows Lucius walking through an eerie fog and up to Ivy's porch. STALKER! Ivy wakes up and suddenly bolts to the door. Through her sporadic movement, she slams into the door, causing its hinges to break the door to fall out of it's doorway in a rather ugly explosion of wood splinters. Ivy is laying face-down on the front porch now. Lucius is completely emotionless, and seems completely oblivious to the whole thing. Silly Lucius.

Lucius: How did you know I was here?

Ivy: I saw you.

Lucius: Wtf? You're blind!

Ivy: I can see people's "colors".

Abby: That's messed up.

M. Night Shyamalan: Get off the bloody set!

Elektra: She broke into my house. (chucks sais at Abby. Abby dodges then runs off the set.)

Ivy: Anyways, I can see people's colors.

Lucius: That was random.

Ivy: Quite. So when we are married will you dance with me?

Lucius: Why do you always say exactly what's on your mind?

Ivy: 'Cause I feel like it. Why can't you speak what's on yours?

Lucius: I dunno... (Cue wussy suck-up music) But do you know what it's like to go through life without being able to do what you want to? Sometimes we don't do things for fear of what others might think should we go and do them! But I'm umm... Gonna do something about it! I will say when we will be married. And when we are married I will tell you whether or not we will dance!

Ivy: (stares blankly)

Lucius: So... Yeah.

Ivy and Lucius suddenly lunge at each other to play a rippling game oftonsil hockey. Ivy unfortunately smacks right into Lucius' huge nose. (sorry Joaquin! Couldn't resist...) They try again, and this time they connect. Fortunately, the cameraman was hammered from last night when he was at the bar, so the camera waves up to a random spot and saves us the bore of a make out scene. Scene fades.

Scene changes to show Lucius walking up to a field of some crazy unknown crop that looks like grass that could take over the world. Ivy is swinging he cane around wildly.

Ivy: There's NO ESCAPE! (takes out an Uzi and annihilates entire crop. Phew, that's one world domination threat taken care of. She stares blankly at the barren field of dead-itude and sees nothing.) He must have gone inside. BLOODY CHEATER!

Lucius walks up to Ivy. Ivy notices him. Somehow. So much for being blind.

Ivy: I'm just playing with Noah. He must have gone inside. That's not allowed! He knows that.

Lucius: Whoop dee do.

They walk up to the front doorstep.

Ivy: Hey guess what! My sister has found love yet again. To Shirt Guy! Isn't that just PEACHY? You know, once they are married, I am free to love also...

Lucius: Wait a second. Are you hitting on me? What the fu- (his ADD kicks in just in time for me to keep this at a PG rating. He walks away.)

Ivy walks inside and you can see through the window in the broom closet- wait. Who has a window in the broom closet? Never mind. Anyway, you can see Noah standing there. Silly Noah.

Scene changes to show Lucius trying to pull up his boots and apparently having much trouble for some reason. Out of the blue, he calls his parental unit over.

Lucius: You know, Mr. Walker has feelings for you.

Ms. Hunt: What in the ruddy heck? Where did that come from?

Lucius: I know it.

Ms. Hunt: And how do you know this?

Lucius: He touches you too much.

FLASHBACK! Scene fades to a screen with a pink fluffy border. It is a small party. Ms. Hunt and Mr. Walker are shaking hands. This continues for about 12 minutes. 52 people in the audience fall asleep. They are still shaking hands, and there are bruises and blood blisters on Ms. Hunt's hands.

Ms. Hunt: Umm... Mr. Walker?

Mr. Walker: Yes?

Ms. Hunt: You can stop shaking my hand now.

Mr. Walker: Oh. Yes. Terribly sorry.

Mr. Walker walkers (writer snickers. Never gets old, that one) away, and he is still holding Ms. Hunt's hand. She is dragged along behind him, and she tries to stop. This results in Ms. Hunt's hand completely coming off at the wrist. Blood squirts and Mr. Walker is completely oblivious as to what's going on. He still has her hand in his. The doctor guy with the frog-like face runs over. Scene fades, along with the pink fluffy border. UNFLASHBACK!

Ms. Hunt: Oh. Yes. That's true. (runs away)

Lucius: Well in any case I gotta go help ol' Tower Guy at the watchtower.

Scene fades to show Lucius and Tower Guy on the tower. They are talking to each other.

Tower Guy: Thanks for coming Lucius. It's awfully cold up here.

Lucius: I noticed. (His ADD kicks in and he walks down off the tower and goes home.)

Scene changes to show the whole village gathered in a room just big enough to be considered a room but almost small enough to be considered a broom closet. In other words, kinda cramped. There are peeps dancing some crazy medieval dance. The party is celebrating the marriage of Kitty Walker and Shirt Guy, so they are standing in the middle of the room. Shirt Guy is wearing a crazy-looking crown that is made of leaves.

Julius Caesar: Gimme dat back.

Shirt Guy: Oh yes. Sorry for the inconvenience. (Hands him the silly looking branch-hat-thing)

Julius Caesar: Thank you very much, my good man. (rides away with a roman fanfare)

Scene zooms out to show more of the people dancing. Ms. Hunt is running frantically away from Mr. Walker, who has a deathgrip on her left arm. Scene shows Kitty and Shirt Guy again.

Shirt Guy: So, now you're officially "Kitty Guy", huh?

M. Night Shyamalan: (smacks forehead) bloody writers...

Eerie Scream From Nowhere: YYEEEEEEEEEEEE!

All of the people at the party are alarmed at the noise. They are all looking to see what caused it, when two crazy whippersnappers run in.

Crazy Whippersnapper #1: It's those-we-don't-talk-about-much-because-their-actual-names-are-really-hard-to-pronounce! They saw us playing!

Crazy Whippersnapper #2: They killed the livestock and ripped their fur back. Cripes!

Mr. Walker: (still has Ms. Hunt in a deathgrip) Oh. That's weird. Uh, go over there and Ivy'll tell you some funny stories. She'll get you smiling in no time.

Ivy: I will?

Mr. Walker: Yeah. (falls asleep)

C. W. #1: Okay, but they left marks on the doors.

C. W. #2: They want us to leave.

Mr. Walker: Nonsense.

Ms. Hunt: Will you let go of me now!

Mr. Walker: Oh. Sorry. (lets go of Ms. Hunt. She has red marks where his hands where. Ouch.)

All the people walk out of the gazebo thingy and look around to see dead piggies and sheepsies all over on the ground and hanging from doorframes. They all have their fur ripped back. Bloody mess, eh chaps? There are cans of red spray paint all over the place, too.

Random Onlooker: 'Oly moly...

Ms. Hunt, Mrs. Clack and Mr. Walker get in a little huddle. Mrs. Clack randomly picks off a couple of people with her blowgun and cackles insanely.

Ms. Hunt: The livestock are dead. There are marks on the door.

Mr. Walker: (rolls eyes) Oh yeah, thanks for that. I didn't notice. (scoffs)

Ms. Hunt: These marks are too high for any mad coyote to reach.

Mr. Walker: No, you idiot. Everybody knows it was someone in a sui--- (falls asleep and then gets tranquilized. Double whammy!)

A dart goes into the side of his neck, courtesy of Mrs. Clack. Just in the nick of time for him to not reveal the "plot". Scene fades.


	8. Questions and Stab Wounds

Ch8: Questions and Stab Wounds

Scene opens to show the council in their little freakish circular room thing. They are all interrogating a poor little work maid woman, who is cowering in the corner and sobbing uncontrollably into a green 50 polyester pillow.

Ms. Hunt: Where were you on the night of the 24th?

Interrogation Chick: (between sobs) I don't know...

Ms. Hunt: Do you not know or do you not WANT to know? ANSWER THE QUESTION!

Interrogation Chick: What question?

Ms. Hunt: The question you dare not answer!

Interrogation Chick: I don't know what happened to the livestock!

Mr. Walker: Okay you're done.

Interrogation Chick: Oh thank you! (gets up abruptly and drops the pillow. She heads for the door, but turns around halfway there.) Is it true?

Mr. Walker: What?

Interrogation Chick: Aboot Ivy Walker and Lucius Hunt?

Mr. Walker: (falls asleep)

Ms. Hunt: bugger... But yes, we were informed of their intentions early this morning.

Interrogation Chick: Okay. (heads for the saloon-type doors.)

Scene changes to show the side of the building. Interrogation Chick pushes the doors open, but they spring back closed and send her flying back into the council, killing one person. But that was okay, because he was planning to take over the world. Silly elder. But anyways, she gets up and tries again, with the same results. The doors sprung shut and sent her flying backwards, breaking a couple of tables. Mr. Walker is still asleep. This time she really makes a run for it, and she makes it through the doors this time. The doors from hell let out a groan.

Doors from Hell: GROOOAAAANNNN!

Like that. Moving on, the scene changes to show Lucius sharpening a knife on his good ol' whetstone. Enter Noah, stage right. I mean... uh... Noah comes in through the door.

Noah: (with British accent) I say, hello old chap!

M. Night Shyamalan: Cut! Bugger off, you bloody piano man!

Noah: (still with British accent) Righto.

Scene re-changes to show Lucius gnawing on the whetstone.

M. Night Shyamalan: CUT!

Four hours pass.

Scene re- re- re- re- re- re- re- re- re- re- re- re- re- re- re- re- re- re- re- re-(author passes out because he was saying re- way too much. Two hours later, author wakes up.)

Okay. I can do this. (deep inhale) Scene re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-changes to show Lucius sharpening his knife on his good ol' whetstone. (heavy panting) Noah walks in.

Lucius: I'm going to randomly assume that you are here because you are disturbed or jealous that Ivy and I are together.

Noah: No hitting.

Lucius: Well I'm very sorry to hear that, but if you're just going to be a bugger, then I'm going to be completely oblivious to the fact that you are unsheathing some object.

The scene goes to a close-up of Lucius' face, which is in an expression like that of one who can't stop watching the Friends marathon. It then changes to show Noah, who looks extremely depressed. The face-flipping goes on for about 12 minutes. During this time, 46 people in the audience fall asleep, M. Night Shyamalan fires the cameraman and gets a new one, and George Bush actually says a 4 syllable word, and pronounced it correctly too. (worldwide gasp) But anyway, now we have a sober cameraman so there are only 3 more close-ups. Lucius looks down and sees much to his despair that there is a knife blade protruding from his torso. He collapses to the ground and twitches. Noah then goes in and stabs him again in an Aragornesque technique.

Spelling Bee Guy: Incorrect.

Author: What?

Spelling Bee Guy: Aragornesque is not a word, you idiot.

Author goes into convulsions. Thsadkn dasfa jdsdsf dsfjkdsiiuewe dsddsf hjkadfds djsj djkdsa sjdfhdshvbdmna. Then he gets better.

Scene changes to show Mrs. Percy trying to put a bowtie on Mr. Percy, resulting in a strangling and gurgling effect.

Mrs. Percy: Noah! Are you ready to go to the Green Day concert!

There is no answer.

Mrs. Percy: Dearly beloved are you listening? I can't remember a word that you were saying!

They walk down the stairs and onto the porch to see Noah sitting in a Sharper Image massage chair. He swivels it somehow. There is blood covering his hands.

Noah: Bad color! Bad color!

Scene changes to show everybody in the village frantically running around. Mr. Walker walkers over (author chuckles and the reader smacks him for saying that lame-o "joke" again) to some random person.

Mr. Walker: What the fu-(falls asleep)

The person nudges him.

Mr. Walker: Is going on?

Random Homey: Noah Percy was found with quarts of blood on his hands. He won't tell whose it is.

Ivy: I'll walk in a random direction!

Ivy heads off down a hill. The audio person wasn't quite sober. He muted out everything except for Ivy saying something under her breath. The experts are debating whether she was swearing or counting. OCD! Never mind. At any rate, she makes it up to this house and smacks her foot into Lucius' living corpse.

Ivy: WTF OMG Nuuuuu! DOCTOR!

Mr. Walker (reader raises hands as author, with great pain, writes) walks over.

Ivy: Daddy? I can't see his color...!

Guys 2 and 3 pull her away from the body while she is screaming bloody murder.

Ivy: BLOODY MURDER!

Like that. Yeah. Scene fades.


	9. Limits

**Author's note: I would like to apologize for a not-funny chapter. I just needed to get the point across, so yeah. It's a short chapter anyways.**

Ch9: Limits

Scene opens to show Mr. Walker and the doctor guy walking out of the ER hut.

Doctor Guy: The wounds are pretty bad. I don't know what can be done, what with the limited supplies we have. They are started to become infected.

Mr. Walker: But what if there were no limits?

Doctor Guy: Say what?

Mr. Walker: If there were no limits on supplies, could there be anything done?

Doctor Guy: Well... with some penicillin and some disinfectant...

They continue walking into the distance for an extremely long cut until it finally closes. Mr. Walker falls asleep and falls down. Scene fades.


	10. Escorts

Ch10: Escorts

Scene opens to show Ivy walking into a room that has Mr. Walker in it. She has a slightly teary expression on her face- like when you have just eaten a tub of store-bought chocolate chip cookie dough and realize that you are going to gain 20 pounds.

Ivy: Father?

Mr. Walker: Mmmm yes?

Ivy: I wish to go into Covington Wood to receive medicines for Lucius from the towns.

Mr. Walker stares at her. He is deep in thought.

Mr. Walker: What you are about to see may disturb you.

Morgan Hess: Everything in the history books is about to change.

M. Night Shyamalan: GAAH! I thought I changed the locks!

Morgan Hess: (puts on a tinfoil cap and runs away)

Scene changes to show Ivy and Mr. Walker walkering (sniggers) down an old path leading to a huge shed with a 3 foot door. Freaking oxymoronic architects.

Mr. Walker: Do you know about your grandfather in the towns?

Ivy: I heard that he was very good at making money.

Mr. Walker: That's true. (cue freakishly fast violin theme) He had a gift for that. You gave him one dollar and in less... (falls asleep while walking and falls face first into the gravel. Ivy smacks him awake and stands him back up)

Mr. Walker: And in less than a fortnight he will have turned it into five.

At this point, the author wonders how long a fortnight really is. He assumes that it would be a month, but considering that the guy could only make five bucks a month, it seems that a fortnight would either be less than a month or the grandfather guy was pretty sucky at investing.

The two of them arrive at the shed.

Mr. Walker: Do you know where we are, Ivy?

Ivy: We are at the forbidden shed.

Mr. Walker: Good. Do you know why it is forbidden?

Ivy: Nope.

Mr. Walker walkers up to the shed's uncannily small door and starts to unlock it.

Mr. Walker: Try your very best not to scream.

Author's Note: At this point, I forget the order that things happen with the whole flashforward and flashback things. I'm just going to do it in the order that it actually would have happened.

Ivy walks up to the shed, which Mr. Walker has fallen asleep on with the key in the lock. Ivy slaps him awake and he turns the lock. They commence to walk(er) in.

Ivy walks forward annoyingly slowly with her hand outstretched into the blackness. After about twenty minutes, you can finally see a long claw appearing. The creepy theme starts playing. Ivy finally touches it, and then realizes that it is one of THEM.

Ivy: OMFG! It's those-we-don't-talk-about-very-much-because-their-actual-names-are-really-hard-to-pronounce!

Mr. Walker: Relax! It is but farce! (under his breath) Whatever that means...

The scene changes to show Mr. Walker and Ivy sitting outside the shed. Ivy is breathing heavily.

Ivy: It is all fake?

Mr. Walker: Yes, my daughter. You must understand the evils of the towns. We had to.

Ivy: The offering of meat?

Mr. Walker: Have you ever wondered why the pork at Sunday dinner tastes funny?

Ivy has a disgusted look on her face at first, but then it turns into an understanding one.

Mr. Walker: You must go through the Covington Wood. Remember, there is no reason to fear. There are no those-we-don't-talk-about-very-much-because-their-actual-names-are-really-hard-to-pronounce. Lucius is in dire need of help.

Scene changes to show Ivy and two guys walking to the border. Mr. Walker's voice is heard.

Mr. Walker Voiceover: Two escorts will lead you. When you get to the border, you will pass into Covington Wood. The escorts will lead you to an old road along a river. Follow it for half a day's time. If you get lost, just follow – (falls asleep. Ivy nudges him awake and flips him off before he sees.) Just follow the sound of the river. Ask for the items on the list I have given you. Pay them with the unnamed freakish gold thing that I have given you.

Ivy and her peeps make it to the border. Ivy and Peep 1 walk across.

Peep 1: Why are you not coming?

Peep 2: This is forbidden. Those those-we-don't-talk-about-very-much-because-their-actual-names-are-really-hard-to-pronounce will kill us if we break the oath.

Ivy: It's okay, Peep. We have the magic rocks. (holds up a bag)

Peep 2: Why have we never heard of these rocks before?

At this point, you hear a gun cocking.

M. Night Shyamalan: I've given those writers too much slack for too long... (attempts to shoot the writer, but it just so happens that M. Night Shyamalan is the worst shot in the galaxy. He misses.)

Writer: Phew.

Back to the Village. Or the woods I suppose.

Peep 2: You don't understand. I cannot come. (he runs away wildly, attempting to wave his arms like a person with two P's in their last name. Poor rookie.)

It starts to rain. Ivy and Peep 1 take out a huge tarp and tie the corners to four eerily handily placed trees. They sit under it.

Peep 1: Wait. If we just tied a tarp to a bunch of trees to stay out of the rain, wont the tarp kind of get too heavy with wat—

The tarps tears in the middle and dumps 12 gallons of water on their heads. Author laughs in their faces.

Scene changes to show them a couple of hours later, when they stopped to take a breather by a tree. Which wasn't to hard to find, since they are in a forest. Oh well.

Peep 1: Something about this Forrest turns my stomach to rot.

Forrest Gump: Fine then. (runs away)

Random Onlooker: Run, Forrest, Run!

M. Night Shyamalan: GET OFF THE SET!

Peep 1: Also, something about these woods turn my stomach to rot.

Ivy: Why?

Peep 1: They will let you pass, because you are blind. You are receiving medicine for a friend. They will (pause for effect) kill me.

Ivy: Yeah well bugger off, you.

Peep 1 leaves. Ivy dumps out the "magic rocks" melodramatically. Scene fades.


	11. Oath

Ch 11: Oath

Scene opens to show a bunch of the not so elderly elders circling Mr. Walker.

Elder 1: How could you do this?

Mr. Walker: What has happened here is a crime!

Elder 2: We took an oath!

Mr. Walker: I did not go into the wood – my daughter did. (falls asleep)

The nearest elder beats the living crap out of him until he wakes up.

Living Crap: Ouch.

Mr. Walker: If we didn't help, we could not call ourselves innocent anymore. Lucius Hunt is on the verge of death.

Elder 3: So was you letting your own daughter into the woods.

Mr. Walker: And I'm guilty, Robert! I could not just stand by and let this happen.

Mr. Percy: Let her go.

All the elders turn and look at him with a note of nausea.

Mr. Percy: The creatures are a myth – she does not have to worry.

Mr. Walker: And I have told her that, there's really nothing she should worry about.

Mrs. Clack: But she is blind! She cannot see any dangers around her!

Mr. Walker: There are no dangers. Covington Wood is just a bunch of trees.

Mr. Percy: I think Ivy can do this. There's no one better to do it. She's not breaking any oath, any treaty. Let her go.

Scene fades.


	12. Covington Wood

**Author's Note: I am terribly sorry for the delay, but I was on vacation and thus could not work on this for a while. Here's the next installment.**

Ch12: Covington Wood

Scene opens to show Ivy walking along in the forest. She starts humming the Andy Griffith Show theme. She stumbles into an uprooted tree and impales herself on its roots.

M. Night Shyamalan: CUT!

Three months pass while Ivy gets surgery on what can only be described as "a freak walking accident".

Scene re-opens to show Ivy walking towards the accursed stump again.

Accursed Stump: (hiss)

Ivy, this time, doesn't impale herself but starts rubbing her hands all over the tree's roots in an eerie manner. Get outside more, Ivy.

Accursed Stump: WTF!

Ivy then continues walking. The shot is positioned so you can see her waist and above. Then she suddenly disappears, because the cameraman fell down a huge hole. Idiot. They cut it out to show Ivy walking along and her falling into the hole this time. She lets out a freakish yelp noise that sounds like a barracuda stuck in a vat of hot oil mixed with cornmeal. Her robes come up. A bunch of the guys watching laugh devilishly for a moment, but then realize that they didn't come up far enough to show anything.

Guys in the Audience: Dammit...

Ivy climbs back up laboriously. She is completely covered in mud, and for some reason starts sobbing uncontrollably. She rubs off all of the mud from her yellow cloak/robe thing, all the while making this freakish grunting crying noise. After doing this for about 12 minutes, she gets up and starts walking along the road. She is tapping her cane against the ground repeatedly, very loudly and too hard.

Daredevil: Would you stop that? The blue sound waves from hell are bugging me.

Ivy: Oh sure no problem.

She continues walking through the thick underbrush when she hears a crack. She looks down and sees that her cane has a tiny crack in it. She takes it and breaks it in half for some reason. Silly Ivy. Once she snaps it, she hears a twig breaking.

Twig: Snap crackle pop.

She somehow produces a big rock and hurls it into the distance. A mimic is made.

Eerie Flashback from Nowhere: _The Village Enquirer says that they mimic before they attack..._

Ivy then turns around. Noa– I mean... a one of those-we-don't-talk-about-much-because-their-actual-names-are-really-hard-to-pronounce is standing there swaying back and forth eerily.

Ivy: EXPECTO PATRONUM! (shoots a silvery aardvark out of her wand. It was horribly aimed though, since Ivy is, in fact, blind. The aardvark runs off and attacks the camera circuitry.)

Noa—I mean... the creature (sheepish laugh) lunges itself at Ivy. That aardvark must've done some real damage to the camera. It's like all slowed-down and choppy now. Wierd. Ivy dodges somehow, and the creature runs off into the distance. Ivy runs for her bloody life and gets behind a tree. She is breathing heavily.

Freaky Bald Kid: There is no spoon. I mean creature.

Neo: HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU! THE SPOON IS **RIGHT THERE**!

The freaky bald kid runs away in bullettime while Neo chases after him humming the lobby theme. Back to Ivy.

Ivy: (panting) It's not real...

t.w.d.t.a.m.b.t.a.n.a.r.h.t.p.: Grunt!

Ivy turns around and sees it. Even though she's blind. Nice one, Mr. Shyamalan.

M. Night Shyamalan: Shuddup.

Ivy: OMGOMGOMG! (starts running for her bloody life)

She runs away, with her hands out in front of her to stop the tree branches from hitting her face. She apparently is really unsettlingly fast, because the creature is nowhere to be seen. She runs into the Accursed Stump and impales herself.

M. Night Shyamalan: CUT!

After about three months of rehab, Ivy is back and well again. Except for the three bloody wounds in her chest. Oh well. Time is money.

Scene reopens and shows Ivy running away again. This time she creeps closely up to the stump and feels it. She then walks over to the edge of the hole and holds her hands out. She doesn't pull her pants down though.

Guys in the Audience: dammit...

The creature comes running up behind her and sees her. He then bolts toward her and lunges. The scene goes into bullettime as Ivy leans back freakishly far matrix dodges the creature. It falls into the hole, and Ivy starts walking away. The scene changes to show Noah in the hole.

Noah: (dying) Grruunt! Rraawwrr! (dies)

Scene fades.


	13. Kevin

Ch13: Kevin

Scene opens to show Ivy walking along, with a cane that she apparently magically made appear out of thin air. She is clicking along, walking next to a river that is so small and shallow that I think the only reason that Mr. Walker called it a river is because of his severe sleep deprivation. Her cane hits on gravel stones. Ivy gasps.

Ivy: GASPS!

She then rights herself along the line of the gravel road and walks toward the camera. She runs into it and falls unconscious. Author sniggers. Ivy wakes back up. The cameraman flips her off. She then goes back to the road, and walks the correct way this time. The road seems to be pretty freakishly long, so she breaks into a run, dropping her cane. She bolts forward. Unknowingly, she's pretty close to a huge fence. She runs smack-dab into it as the author wonders where the heck the term "smack dab" came from. She then bounces back up and smoothes her hair out.

Ivy: LUMOS!

He wand sheds a little light on the situation. But she's blind. Oh well. She starts to scale the fence.

The scene changes to show a guy in a Jeep driving along. He randomly kills a pedestrian, who turned out to be the only person on the entire crew of The Village with even an inkling of common sense. Well, we're screwed now. He then sees Ivy. In a white nightgown thing. Oh no, she's not wearing a yellow robe anymore. That'd be too simple. White.

Audience: What the!

The yet unnamed person pulls over in front of Ivy and gets out. He closes the door and it sets off the car alarm.

Car Alarm: weeeooo! weeeeooooo! dawnk! dawnk! preeeeoooonnnnzzzeeeee! (author promptly gets annihilated because the aardvark from chapter 11 found him.)

Also, people were getting bugged by him trying to imitate the sounds of a car alarm suckily. So the rest of the story will be finished by Pippin.

They come in PINTS! I'm getting one! (runs away)

Stage Crew: Since we are at a loss of an author, we have decided to reincarnate the original. Sorry for the delay.

So anyway, The guy pulls over by Ivy and sets off his car alarm.

Ivy: wtf is that noise?

Yet Unnamed Guy: Uhh my car.

Ivy: wtf is a car?

Yet Unnamed Guy: Uhh itsa thingy.

Ivy: Well anyway, I need the stuff on this list. (realizes that her list is in her yellow robes) Crap... Help! I've lost my Visa Check Card!

A random assortment of DC superheroes pops out.

Spiderman: Read mah lips, LADEH! If you lose your card, you're not accountable for fraudulent charges!

Ivy: Will ya'll get my list then?

Thor: Oh sure.

They come back with her list and give it to her and then all exit dramatically.

Ivy: (turns to Yet Unnamed Guy) I need all the things on this list.

Yet Unnamed Guy: Dude, this is the stuff for stab wounds.

Ivy: Accept this as payment: (hands him a nameless gold object)

Yet Unnamed Guy: Uhh why do you need stuff for stab wounds?

Ivy: What's your name?

Yet Unnamed Guy: Khgjkeblvin.

Ivy: What?

Khgjkeblvin: Khevin.

Ivy: Kevin?

Kevin: Yeah. Kevin.

Ivy: That's a weird name. I'll just call you bugger.

Kevin: 'kay.

Ivy: Will you get the things on the list?

Kevin: Where did you come from?

Ivy: In there. (points over her shoulder) Through the woods.

Kevin: Wait. There are people in there?

Ivy: Yes.

Kevin: Like ACTUAL people?

Ivy: Yup.

Kevin: Like human people?

Ivy: Yeah.

Kevin: Like human, blood, arms, legs, walking, talking, breathing people?

Ivy: Yes, bugger.

A pause.

Kevin: You mean there are people in there?

Ivy smacks Kevin across the face, hands him the list and the nameless gold item, and tells him to bugger off.

Ivy: Bugger off, bugger.

Kevin walks away about 50 yards before he realizes that he does, in fact, have a Jeep. He guns the engine (which freaks the living crap out of Ivy) and sets off to the nearest guard shack thing. He goes into it, grabs a ladder, chucks it onto his Jeep, then goes up to M. Night Shyamalan.

M. Night Shyamalan: I'm going to start a random conversation with you while reading a newspaper.

Kevin: 'k.

M. Night Shyamalan: I am going to fold the newspaper and set it down on my lap. (he folds the newspaper and sets it down on his lap) I am going to give you an evil stare. (evil stare) Then I am going to tell you to not get into conversations with people.

Kevin: 'k.

M. Night Shyamalan: I am going to tell you that once upon a time there were a couple of teenagers sitting around by the border drinking a bunch of Coke.

Kevin: 'k. Wait – diet, cherry, vanilla, lime, or regular?

M. Night Shyamalan: Regular. I am going to tell you that they heard a rumor that some government people were keeping planes from crossing over the reservation.

Kevin: Got it.

M. Night Shyamalan: I am going to tell you that it was a very stressful time for me. I will tell you that it's an easy gig- maintain and protect the borders. And trust me, don't get into conversations. I am going to pick up my newspaper and unfold it.

Kevin: Okay. Got it.

At this point, M. Night Shyamalan follows through with the plan that he told Kevin. Kevin is on the verge of ripping his hair out and eating it.

M. Night Shyamalan: It was a very stressful time for me. It's an easy gig. Maintain and protect the border. And trust me- do not get into conversations.

Kevin: (with a bit of hair sticking out of his mouth) Great. Fan-freakin-tastic.

He sneaks over to the medicine cabinet and grabs an assortment of pill bottles. Apparently M. Night didn't notice. Silly mortal. Exit Kevin stage right.

Scene changes to show the Jeep sitting idle with it's engine on, Kevin gangsta-leaning on it with a pondering look on his face. Or maybe he just had allergies. One of the two. Scene fades.


	14. An Idea

**Author's Note: This is a pretty short chapter that I only put in because I wanted to stay true to the movie for some reason. I don't remember anything that they say really, so I'm making it all up off the top of my head. **

Ch14: An idea

Scene opens to show Mr. and Mrs. Walker going up to the little black secret box of secretness. They open it, and there's a picture of a woman in a bikini. Mrs. Walker promptly beats the living crap out of Mr. Walker, and then it breaks into an eerie voiceover. They are taking out a photo of a group of people standing by an old building.

Mr. Walker Eerie Voiceover: I was a banker or something. Uhh... was it my sister that drowned in a lake or something? (Mrs. Clack blowguns him)

Mrs. Clack: I was in the towns one day and I found my sister after she had been out for two days. She was lying dead in a river, robbed and naked. She never made it past her sixteenth birthday.

Ms. Hunt: My husband was a banker. One day it was just normal at work, and a man came in and shot him twice in the head.

Mr. Percy: I was walking down the road with my own sister and she was attacked by two men – mugged and almost killed.

Mr. Walker: Hello everyone. I have an idea. This is to be kept secret, for... (voice becomes fainter)

Scene fades.


	15. Finale

**Author's Note: OMG it's almost over! Oh sob, oh cry! (melodrama over) Well thanks for everyone that's put up with this mental diarrhea that I typed up. **

Ch15: Finale

Scene opens to show Mr. and Mrs. Percy walking up to the Quiet Room. They open the door and find that it's been gnawed on. Creepy. They see the entire room totally demolished and the floorboards ripped out.

Mr. Percy: OMG Noah found one of the suits we keep under the floorboards!

Mrs. Percy: I'm making a random assumption that that means that Noah was being the creepy creature man all along! The graffiti on the doors! The animals...!

The scene changes to show Ivy walking forward into the creepy mist of the Covington Wood that apparently just randomly appeared. She's walking along the river/stream/creek thing and heading back for their village. At this point, the author wonders if their village actually has a name. It's probably Covington, like after the woods. Oh well.

Scene changes yet again to show the elders standing around Lucius' bed, who apparently keeps forgetting that he has a mortal wound and tries to get up and walk around and stuff. Mrs. Clack blowguns him and they go on. They're talking about something boring and indecipherable, until a random peep runs up to the door.

Random Peep: Ivy has returned from Covington Wood with the medicines. (he starts to leave, then turns back) She found a creature along the way and she uh... killed... it... Bye now! (runs away attempting to Johnny Depp his arms)

Johnny: Psht. Amateurs.

M. Night Shyamalan: Get off the freaking set!

Johnny: Fine, fine... (runs away efficiently waving his arms)

Mrs. Percy: My baaaaaby! (sobs uncontrollably)

Mr. Walker: What are you kidding? That guy was as crazy as a picked moocow!

Mrs. Percy: Huh?

Mr. Walker: Never mind. Well, things are lookin' pretty bleak. So Ivy knows that the creatures are a lie, that we just ran here from the terror of the towns, that there's a deleted scene on the DVD that shows how we made the sounds, etc. Why did we take that out anyway?

M. Night Shyamalan: Too angsty.

Mr. Walker: But it was a good scene – it showed the creepy noises. The people probably thought that we were using Dolby Digital or something.

M. Night Shyamalan: Just get back to the scene...

Mr. Walker: So the question is: do we really want to keep this up?

At this point, Ivy bursts in through the doors all melodramatically and shoves the cans of Advil and Neosporin to the frogmouth doctor guy.

Ivy: (gaspingishly) Lucius!

Scene fades.


	16. Credits

Credits

**Author's Note: Just imagine that the back of this is black and it's actually scrolling.**

Written By: Jessekaboom

Edited By: Jessekaboom

Submitted By: Jessekaboom

Special Thanks To:

M. Night Shyamalan

The cool people at FanFiction

The people who directed all the movies whose characters randomly appear

Mah Sister

My friends, namely Jessica, Nick and Max

(because they actually laughed at it)

And my very best friend,

CAFFIENE!

Sorry for Making Fun of You:

M. Night Shyamalan

William Hurt

Bryce Dallas Howard

Joaquin Phoenix

Adrien Brody

Fran Kranz

Michael Pitt

Jesse Eisenberg

Cherry Jones

Frank Collison

Orlando Bloom

Johnny Depp

Jennifer Garner

Kirsten Prout

Keanu Reeves

Hugh Jackman

Lemmings

Cows that have lost their loved ones to the vile substance that is chocolate syrup

The Entire Cast and Crew of The Village

The End


End file.
